Header graphic for print

Empowering Women Law Journal

Straight Talk on Divorce & Separation… Knowledge is Power

Divorce and Fairytales: What Does Happily Ever After Mean?

By Krystle Gill on Posted in Separation and Divorce

Life is full of surprises, and change.

I am no longer the person I was when I was 6 years old, 16 years old, or 26 years old. I have changed and grown, and I will continue to change and grow. Everybody does.

The person that you fell in love with when you were 16 was probably everything that you could have wanted in a partner… when you were 16… but you change, and you grow. Your life goals sometimes change, and if they don’t change with the goals of your partner, you can grow apart, and the relationship might end.

As a little girl, I watched ALL of the Disney movies and read ALL of the fairtales about princesses meeting their princes and falling in love… Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, the Little Mermaid, Aladin… the main problem with these stories is that they end just when things are getting started. You’ve all seen it–the last scene in the movie is the Prince and Princess riding off into the sunset in their carriage (or magic carpet, or clamshell) with a “just married” sign on the back, and then the two lovers kiss and “The End” flashes across the screen before it goes black. What it should really show is a question mark.

We are made to believe that the Prince and Princess will live happily ever after… but we actually don’t know what happens. We have placed expectations on the relationship based on what we want to happen, or more accurately, on what society thinks should happen.

The statistic is that approximately 50% of marriages will end in divorce. We don’t know whether Aladin’s kleptomania will drive a wedge between him and Jasmine over time. We don’t know if, after Snow White’s beauty fades, her Prince will stray into greener pastures, or whether Cinderella and her man will simply grow apart. Having the expectation that once you meet your Prince, you are to live happily ever after is something that has stuck with many of us, yet it simply isn’t true.

Human beings experience a range of emotions. We are constantly evolving, growing, changing, experiencing. Life can be challenging, and minimizing the complexity of a relationship to “once you find your Prince you will be happy for the rest of your life” puts way too much pressure on your Prince, and it gives women a wrong sense of their worth. Life is not just about getting married or being in a relationship–that is not the end of the game. Life is about where you are right now, at this moment, and where you are going. You can’t change what happened in the past, but you can enjoy this moment and shape your future.

Outgrowing a relationship can be painful, but letting go of a relationship that is no longer a source of joy in your life can be necessary for your happiness. Sometimes the relationship can be saved by going to counselling, talking to your partner, opening up about how each of you has changed over the years, and sharing your goals for the future, and sometimes it can’t, and that is okay. If your relationship ends or you get a divorce, it does not mean that you are a failure, and that is where society needs to adapt.

The bottom line is that you are responsible for your own happiness, and that is powerful.

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right… and sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together.”

Marilyn Monroe

 

Empowerment: Choose Your Attitude

By Krystle Gill on Posted in Empowerment

The one thing that we can control in our lives that has a direct impact on whether we are happy or not, is our attitude.

It is not surprising that many inspirational and motivational historical figures are quoted on their thoughts on attitude, because it is so important to one’s happiness:

“It is very important to generate a good attitude, a good heart, as much as possible. From this, happiness in both the short term and the long term for both yourself and others will come.”

- Dalai Lama

Your attitude is the lens that you see everything through. If you are generally negative, and see the glass as being half empty, then you aren’t even looking for the positive in situations and will miss it entirely. Going through a separation or divorce does not have to be a negative experience. A relationship that is ending does not necessarily have to be sad, though it is normal to go through a grieving process because it is a change–albeit a BIG change–to your life. However, if your partner didn’t appreciate you, or if you didn’t appreciate him or her, then it may be better to end the relationship and focus on what you deserve, which is to be happy and appreciated.

“Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.”

- Winston Churchill

One of my favourite books of all time is Eat Pray Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert. She goes through a heart-wrenching divorce, a subsequent break-up, and then she goes on a journey of self-actualization, and comes out on the other side a stronger, happier person. This was all because of her attitude. She was able to find pleasure in her surroundings. She was able to pause and be grateful for her experiences, for what they were teaching her, for the people around her, even while heart-broken and anguished. She was even able to funnel her entire experience into a best-selling book!

“Choosing to be positive and having a grateful attitude is going to determine how you’re going to live your life.”

- Joel Osteen

How can this apply to you? Well, the next time that something negative happens, think about whether there are any positives. Is there a way to turn this into something where the glass is half-full? If you are let go from your job, think about whether you were really happy and satisfied with your work. This could be an opportunity for you to try something new, to work with people that you fit better with,  to go back to school to learn a new profession, or even to go travelling. What first appears to be a negative experience, may turn out to be a blessing in disguise, and, if you’re looking for it, it probably will.

“The greatest discovery of all time is that a person can change his future by merely changing his attitude.”

- Oprah Winfrey

There are so many opportunities in our lives that may be missed because a negative attitude doesn’t allow us to see the silver lining in the clouds. We cannot control everything in our lives, but we do have the power to determine our reactions.

“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”

- Brian Tracy

The luckiest people are usually the people with the best attitudes, and not necessarily because they win lotteries, but because, win or lose, they are happy.

The Effect of Family Conflict on Children: It’s Not Good

By Krystle Gill on Posted in Children

Claire Barnes, writer with the Huffington Post and executive director of Kids’ Turn in San Francisco, recently wrote an article about Family Conflict and Children.

It has been well-established that family conflict negatively affects the development of children, especially those under the age of 5. For these young children, family conflict can prolong or delay developmental stages, or cause regression when children are continually exposed to intense family violence. In her article, Claire gives the example of a child that is potty-trained regressing to using diapers or to begin bed wetting after being exposed to prolonged family conflict. In cases where the family conflict is so severe that the child does not feel safe in that environment, the interruption to the child’s development may last for years, or require therapeutic intervention.

The effect of family conflict on children can readily be seen in school test scores:

“Children from troubled families perform ‘considerably worse’ on standardized reading and mathematics tests and are much more likely to commit disciplinary infractions and be suspended than other students.”

- Claire Barnes, cited from Scott Carrell, UC-Davis and Mark Hoekstra, University of Pittsburgh, American Economic Journal January 2010

All of these studies confirm that parents need to stop having intense arguments in front of their children… not that we really needed studies to tell us this. Many people can recall arguments that their parents had when they were children, and how upsetting those arguments could be. Many children experience feelings of helplessness, fear and anxiety when their parents engage in intense arguments or shouting matches, and wish they could do something to make it better. Sometimes children take side and experience feelings of guilt over divided loyalty to their parents, which also increases anxiety.

“The simple fact is that children find unresolved marital conflict deeply disturbing. Kids cover their ears, stand motionless with clenched fists, cry, scowl, ask to leave, beg parents to stop. Study after study has shown that children — some as young as 6 months — react to adult arguments physiologically, such as with a faster heart rate and higher blood pressure.”

- Dr. John Medina, director of the Brain Center for Applied Learning Research at Seattle Pacific University, excerpt from “Brain Rules”

Children who are exposed to family conflict at home usually experience chronic stress, which decreases their abilities to concentrate and to achieve. These children find no relief from the stress experienced at school when they return home because the stress is waiting for them there, too.

So, how can parents deal with these kinds of situations when they are just so angry they want to fight with each other in front of their kids?

  1. Go see a marriage counsellor or family therapist. If you and your spouse are unable to communicate with each other respectfully, and if you want your relationship to work, you will have to change that pattern of communication. A marriage counsellor can help with this by bringing up difficult topics and leading the discussion, while providing tips for respectful communication throughout the session.
  2. Think about anger management. If a majority of the arguments are caused by one spouse in particular, or if both spouses seem unable to control their anger, it may be time to consider attending an anger management course to learn how to deal with emotions in a healthy, positive way, rather than exploding at your spouse in front of your children.
  3. Set aside time to talk about whatever is bothering you. If your child is in the room, and your spouse just did something to really set you off, ask the child to go play in another room or outside while Mommy and Daddy have an adult conversation. Assure the child that he or she is loved, and send them on their way. OR, you and your partner can go into another room and close the door. Just remember that your children may be able to hear you if you raise your voices… and that shouting matches rarely have the outcome that you want.
  4. Remember to BREATHE. The calming effect of taking 10 deep, slow breaths has been well documented–I mean, try it right now: breath in through your nose and out through your mouth ten times. When people begin to engage in an argument, their blood pressure increases and adrenaline starts pumping, which can trigger the fight or flight survival instinct. Unfortunately, this instinct does not usually add to one’s ability to communicate effectively. Take a few deep breaths. Gather your thoughts. Be present in the situation, and think about your children. You want what is best for them, and yelling at their other parent is NOT that.
  5. Evaluate your relationship. Constantly fighting with your partner, and not resolving the conflicts, is not healthy for you. Do the pros of the relationship outweigh the cons? Are you and your partner willing to work on the relationship? Not all fights are the beginning of the end, and sometimes you have to care to fight, but if you don’t make a decision to work through the conflict together, then you might get stuck in a constant state of combat, which is not healthy for anyone.

As I wrote in this earlier post, the impact of family violence, including family violence that is not directed at a child but occurs while the child is present, is something that the Courts MUST consider when making decisions regarding custody, guardianship and access under the new Family Law Act.

Family Violence and the new Family Law Act

By Krystle Gill on Posted in Domestic Violence, Empowerment

Research has shown that even if a child is not subjected to direct physical or emotional abuse, witnessing physical or emotional abuse on a loved one, such as a parent, can have the same effect on that child as experiencing it him or herself would.

Under the Divorce Act, when making an Order for custody, the Court was not to take into consideration the past conduct of any person unless the conduct was “relevant to the ability of that person to act as a parent of a child”. This had been previously interpreted to mean that domestic violence by one parent against the other was not to be considered by the Court because the act of violence was not necessarily relevant to the ability of someone to be a parent.

The incoming Family Law Act (the “FLA”) changes this, and specifically takes into consideration the effect of violence on the family, and includes a definition for family violence:

“family violence” includes

(a) physical abuse of a family member, including forced confinement or deprivation of the necessities of life, but not including the use of reasonable force to protect oneself or others from harm,
(b) sexual abuse of a family member,
(c) attempts to physically or sexually abuse a family member,
(d) psychological or emotional abuse of a family member, including
            (i) intimidation, harassment, coercion or threats, including threats respecting other persons, pets or property,
            (ii) unreasonable restrictions on, or prevention of, a family member’s financial or personal autonomy,
            (iii) stalking or following of the family member, and
            (iv) intentional damage to property, and
(e) in the case of a child, direct or indirect exposure to family violence;

In my opinion, the biggest change to the pre-existing law is the acknowledgment that family violence includes both direct and indirect exposure to family violence.

Statistics Canada conducts a poll of self-reported spousal violence every few years. The last poll took place in 2009, where 6% of Canadians reported being physically or sexually victimized by their spouse within the 5 years preceding the survey. In addition to the physical and sexual violence, close to one in five Canadians (17%) reported being the victim of emotional and financial abuse in their current or a previous relationship within the last 5 years. The most common forms of abuse were put-downs and name calling.

Canadian society is realizing that emotional abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse, if not more so, and that children who are witnessing this abuse are not protected merely because the abuse is not directed at them. Children hear and see a lot more than parents think they do, especially during the breakdown a relationship where the change to the family social structure can cause them high levels of anxiety and stress.

The only consideration under the FLA when making decisions about guardianship, parenting arrangements or contact with a child, is the best interests of the child, and the impact of family violence is now something that Courts must consider when making an award regarding the custody of a child.

Bullies exist and, for whatever reason, feel the need to put other people down, either physically or emotionally. For a bully to overcome this mind-set, the bully must be made aware of their behaviour and want to change. For the victims of this behaviour, they must be empowered to know that they deserve to be treated with respect, and to be brave enough to make changes to the relationship, which can sometimes include ending it.

All in all, regardless of your path, if you are bullying your spouse or being bullied by your spouse in front of your children, the Court now wants to hear about it.

To read more about bullies and empowerment, check out Darren Hart’s blog, Empowered Conflict Resolution, and this post in particular.

Divorce and Separation: How to Prepare For Your First Date… With A Lawyer

By Krystle Gill on Posted in Separation and Divorce

When you go to meet with a lawyer for the first time, it can be a bit intimidating. You’re going through  a separation and you might not know what to expect or even what you should bring with you. Here is a bit of information to help you overcome the “first date” jitters and know what to expect when you meet with a lawyer:

Initial Information

Many lawyers and law firms will go through a client intake questionnaire with you, much like the questionnaire that we have at Hart Legal. This is the kind of information that a lawyer will need to know in order to help you with the issues associated with:

  • separating from a spouse;
  • guardianship, custody or access to children;
  • division of property;
  • spousal support; and
  • child support.

Your counsel needs to have some basic information about you, your spouse, your relationship, the separation, any children, and your assets and debts. You don’t need to have all of this information for your first appointment, but you will need it in order to prepare a Financial Statement (see the Supreme Court Form here and the Provincial Court Form here), which is a document that is required in court actions.

What to Bring

If you have been served with court documents, BRING THESE WITH YOU TO YOUR APPOINTMENT. Court documents generally have timelines that begin from the “date of service”, which is usually the date that you receive the documents. Unfortunately, ignoring the documents won’t make them go away, and missing deadlines can make the process even more complicated, as it can (and usually will) proceed without further notice to you.

There are a several ways to start a legal proceeding in British Columbia. The two most common ways are:

  1. to file a Notice of Family Claim in the Supreme Court of British Columbia; or
  2. to file an Application to Obtain an Order in the Provincial (Family) Court of British Columbia.

So if you are served with these documents, you should make an appointment to see a lawyer and BRING THESE WITH YOU.

You should also bring copies of any settlement proposals or counteroffers that have been prepared.

Further into a proceeding or in negotiations, you may have to disclose financial information (i.e. if there is a claim for division of property, child support or spousal support), like your tax returns and notices of assessment for the last 3 years, your T4, bank account statements, credit card statements, etc.

… and if you’re planning to start a proceeding for divorce, you need to bring in your original Marriage Certificate.

Fee Structure

Something else to be aware of is how your lawyer will bill you for services rendered. In British Columbia, most family lawyers bill on an hourly basis, though there are some that are moving toward a flat fee billing system to help clients create certainty about their legal fees, rather than have a surprise each month, or whenever the lawyer chooses to bill. Regardless of the fee structure that your lawyer uses, you should find out whether there will be a charge for the initial consultation and, if so, how much that will be.

For 10 tips on how to reduce your legal fees throughout the proceeding, check out these pointers from Hart Legal!

Throughout all of this, if there is anything that you THINK you should tell your lawyer, but your lawyer hasn’t specifically asked you about, TELL THEM! It is always better to share more information with your lawyer and have them sort out what is important and what is not, rather than risk withholding information that could be important to your case.

For tips about finding the right lawyer for you, check out this post by Christine Murray.

Custody and Guardianship: What do they mean?

By Krystle Gill on Posted in Children

There is an old fable of two women that came before King Solomon of Israel to resolve a dispute over who was the true mother of a newborn baby. Both women claimed that the child was theirs. After some deliberation, Solomon stated that splitting the baby in two with a sword was the only fair was to resolve the dispute. Immediately, the true mother came forward and begged Solomon to give the baby to the other woman rather than see him killed, while the imposter showed no emotion at the verdict. Solomon immediately recognized who the true mother was, and proclaimed her to be the infant’s mother.

One of the many morals of this story is that, while property and assets can be divided, children cannot.

When parents separate, there are generally four main issues that have to be decided:

  1. Custody;
  2. Guardianship;
  3. Access; and
  4. Child Support.

This post will focus on the first two issues, which both feed in to the fourth issue of child support. For more information on child support, see my previous post on basic child support here, and my other post on extraodinary or special expenses here.

The overarching concern in making decisions regarding the custody, guardianship and access for children is the BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD.

What is Custody?

Custody is an ill-defined legal concept in British Columbia that overlaps a lot with the legal concept of Guardianship. Traditionally, custody referred to the party at whose home the child lives at for a majority of the time and who has the day-to-day care of the child and who is responsible for making decisions regarding the child; however, this concept is being replaced with the idea of “primary residence”.

There are several types of custody, such as:

  1. sole custody: one parent has the home in which the child lives for most of the time and can make decisions concerning the child without input from the other parent;
  2. joint custody: both parents have the right to the day-to-day care of the child, though there is no connection between having joint custody and the amount of time each parent spends with the child–there are several models for this type of custody depending on the ability of the parents to get along in order to make decisions concerning the children;
  3. shared custody: the child lives equally with both parents; and
  4. split custody: the children of the parties live for a majority of the time with different parents such that siblings are split between the households.

What is Guardianship?

Guardianship governs who gets to make decisions regarding two aspects of a child’s life: their person and their estate. The types of Guardianship mirror the types of Custody described above:

  1. sole guardianship: the parent with sole guardianship gets to make the important decisions regarding the child’s health, education, extracurricular activities and parenting. The other parent can sometimes provide input to these decisions, but the sole guardian does not have to consider the other parent’s thoughts.
  2. joint guardianship: joint guardians have the right to be involved in making decisions regarding the child. There are several models for joint guardianship that depend on the level of cooperation that exists between the parents (i.e. the Joyce Model, the Horn Model, and the Charlton Model).
  3. parallel parenting: parallel parents are typically those parents who are or were involved in a high-conflict custody dispute. This model of parenting is suitable when both parents are good parents, but they just can’t cooperate with the other parent for whatever reason. In this situation, the parents either agree to have different “spheres of decision-making”, or a Court orders it so.

In determining what is in the best interests of the child, the Courts generally rely on Custody and Access Reports, if they are available… and they don’t involve splitting the child with a sword, though sometimes that may seem easier.

If you have questions about the custody and guardianship of your children, contact a professional in your area.

Caught in the Middle: Children and Separation

By Krystle Gill on Posted in Uncategorized

In any issue involving children that is before a Court, the paramount consideration and concern is the best interests of the children.

The Best Interests of the Child test is included in both the Divorce Act, which governs custody and access for parents that are/were married, and the Family Relations Act, which governs custody and access for parents that are/were married as well as unmarried couples.

The specific provisions are:

Divorce Act, s. 16(8):

In making an order under this section, the court shall take into consideration only the best interests of the child of the marriage as determined by reference to the condition, means, needs and other circumstances of the child.

Family Relations Act, s. 24(1):

When making, varying or rescinding an order under this Part, a court must give paramount consideration to the best interests of the child and, in assessing those interests, must consider the following factors and give emphasis to each factor according to the child’s needs and circumstances:

  1. the health and emotional well being of the child including any special needs for care and treatment;
  2. if appropriate, the views of the child;
  3. the love, affection and similar ties that exist between the child and other persons;
  4. education and training for the child;
  5. the capacity of each person to whom guardianship, custody or access rights and duties may be granted to exercise those rights and duties adequately.

So what does this mean in real life situations? It means that parents won’t be awarded custody based on how much they want custody–it will be based on what is best for your child. One parent may have been the primary caregiver of the children for a majority of their lives, but has become so consumed with the divorce or separation proceedings and slandering the other parent since the breakdown of the relationship that it is no longer in the children’s best interests to be in that person’s care.

It is important to realize that children hear and see a lot more than parents think they do, and they are very quick to blame themselves. Talking to your children about your separation and divorce is something that should be done very carefully, with their best interests at heart. This should always be the main consideration when it comes to your children during this transition period.

It can be tempting to vilify the other parent because of your hurt feelings, and the fear of losing your children, but this can be extremely damaging to your child.  Most children develop a profound attachment and stong sense of loyalty to both parents. If they take your side, then they sacrifice their relationship bond with their other parent (which will follow them for the rest of their lives), and if they don’t, then they are caught in a loyalty bind, which can cause extreme stress and anxiety. Many children whose parents are separating already experience higher levels of anxiety and stress and often blame themselves for their parents’ separation. It is known that high levels of anxiety and stress are unhealthy.

Many people going through separations say that, while they no longer wish to be with their ex-partner for various reasons, their ex-partner was still a good parent. Again, the focus should be on the children and what is best for them, and not that your ex is a jerk.

The Public Health Agency of Canada has created a webpage: “Because Life Goes On… Helping Children and Youth Live With Separation and Divorce: A Guide for Parents” that contains several suggestions for talking to your children about your separation at any age.

Communicating with your children is how you build their trust and sense of security, and assure them that their needs will be taken care of.”
 from Because Life Goes On… Helping Children and Youth Live With Separation and Divorce

Some of the tips include planning ahead for a time and place to speak with your children where they will feel comfortable, and also planning ahead for what you are going to say to your children. If you have more than one child, it can be a good idea to speak with the children together as well as individually, and that most children benefit from several shorter conversations rather than one long, overwhelming one. Something else to consider is whether you and your ex would be able to have this conversation with your children together, to reassure them that they are not being abandoned, and to show an initial willingness to cooperate. One of the main goals in having these talks is to reassure the children that the separation is not their fault.

If you are going through a separation or divorce, I strongly urge you to read the resources available at the Public Health Agency of Canada website… because when the Court asks you if you have acted in the Best Interests of YOUR Child, you want to be able to say, unequivocally, “Yes, I have.”

5 Conversations You Should Have Before You Get Married!

By Krystle Gill on Posted in Separation and Divorce

The wedding date is set, the invitations have been sent out, and you’re getting ready to marry the love of your life–congratulations! But before you walk down that aisle, you should have the following 5 conversations with your sweetie:

1. Children

Whether or not you plan to have children is a big conversation to have. If one spouse wants to have children, and the other spouse does not, this is one area where it may be unreasonable to expect someone to compromise. If you have children, where will you live? What are the plans for child care? What are the plans for discipline? Does one spouse want to raise the children in the Catholic church while the other spouse does not? Having children is a decision that will change your life, so it’s a good idea to work out a bit of a game plan.

2. Finances

Do you spend or save? Does your partner spend or save? Do you plan to have a joint bank account or separate bank accounts? Who will be responsible for paying the bills? What are your financial goals?

Not surprisingly, many couples fight about money because they never had this conversation in the first place. It is important to set expectations, and not to assume that your partner will spend or save in the same manner that you do. When two people marry, they usually merge their financial situations, especially as they remain married over time. This conversation can be uncomfortable, but it is better to have it before you need to have it because one spouse spent the family’s savings gambling in Las Vegas, rather than saving it for your retirement.

3. Life Goals

Where do you see yourselves as a couple in one year? five years? ten years?

After the wedding, it is important to decide where you’re going to live (or where you want to live eventually), what your combined income is, what your career goals are, what your life goals are. If you want to see the world, and your partner is afraid of flying, this can cause a big problem between the two of you if it’s not discussed. Would your partner be able to overcome his or her fear? Would your partner be okay with you travelling without him or her? Would you be able to give up your goal of travelling if your partner couldn’t come with you?

It is a good idea to have this conversation at least once a year to make sure that you’re still on the same page and have the same expectations–open communication can nip a lot of arguments in the bud because many arguments are about not sharing your partner’s expectations, or having a miscommunication.

After Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries got married, they hadn’t even decided on which city they were going to live in together: Kim was based in New York City filming the reality TV series “Keeping Up With the Kardashians“… or was it “Kourtney and Kim Take New York“? while Kris was based in Minnesota. This is a conversation that they should have had before they got married.

4. Housekeeping

You might laugh that this is included as one of the hot button topics, but for Ms. Younger and Mr. Younger, it was the disconnect over this very issue that led to disagreements over household chores, and the eventual breakdown of their marriage, as is stated by the Honourable Madam Justice J.A. Power in the recent case of Younger v. Younger, 2012 BCSC 432:

[1] “Our house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy.” This is an old household quotation that comes to mind when considering the facts of this case. It appears to be an approach to housekeeping that the claimant Ms. Younger adopted. The respondent, Mr. Younger, wanted the family to maintain standards similar to “no trace camping.” Ms. Younger was of the view that “no trace camping” was not realistic or possible for a busy family with two young sons.”
….

[19] Shortly after the births of their children, arguments began to occur around the parties’ differing approaches to household chores. Although it was important to Ms. Younger to have things clean, she accepted that there was a certain amount of untidiness that came with young sons. Ms. Younger was comfortable with such a “lived-in look.” Mr. Younger wanted the family to practice “no trace camping” and was not, in Ms. Younger’s view, able to accept the natural disorder that came with having children.”

If your partner needs to have the bathroom cleaned once a week, but you’re okay with having it cleaned every other week, as silly as it sounds, this is something to discuss.

… and, something to keep in mind if your family can afford it, hiring a housekeeper can sometimes be a marriage-saver!

5. Respectful Communication

Overall, communicating with your spouse, when it is done respectfully, is a good thing. It leads to greater intimacy, a stronger relationship, and a deeper understanding of your partner. Having a difference of opinion is okay and expected, provided that you can communicate respectfully with your spouse about those differences. If you  need time alone after an argument to regroup and think things through, it is better to explain this to your partner before you actually have an argument.

What are some conversations that YOU think are important to have before you get married?

Kardashian v. Humphries: The Divorce Proceedings Are Already Longer Than the Marriage

By Krystle Gill on Posted in Separation and Divorce

After 72 days of marriage, Kim Kardashian separated from Kris Humphries and filed for Divorce. Presently, Kim and Kris have been going at it in the legal arena for over 100 days, and it has not been pretty.

Divorcing when a couple is not in the public eye is difficult enough, but divorcing while cameras, reporters and tabloids are chomping at the bit to catch you doing anything slightly out of line adds an extra element of complexity… and with a person as public as Kim, it is no surprise that this divorce has been widely broadcast.

Every day it seems there are new allegations flung against the opposing party, and practically everybody has an opinion to share about this couple, so much so that Kris’ legal team released the following statement to the media on March 19, 2012:

“Much effort and energy to mis-direct the public’s perception of what transpired between Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries has taken place over the past several months, some even going so far as to attempt to create settlement ‘demands’ where none have been made. Neither Kris Humphries nor his legal team have spread these rumors nor will they. While we are encouraged to see an apparent willingness by the other side to put big numbers out in an attempt to settle Mr. Humphries’ claims, we respect and will continue to observe the integrity of the legal process. This case will be resolved not in the court of public opinion amidst ridiculous and defamatory allegations and personal attacks directed against Kris Humphries. Rather, this case will be appropriately investigated and litigated professionally and with integrity. General Counsel Lee A. Hutton III of Lommen Abdo, with the assistance of Kris’ new Los Angeles legal team of family law experts Marshall Waller and Sandra Salinas of Feinberg & Waller, have been retained to protect Mr. Humphires’ legal position as well as his reputation throughout these proceedings. One thing is certain: Kris Humphries intends to set the record straight and while settlement discussions are a normal part of every litigated case, there will always be public speculation and conjecture in matters such as this, in fact, these legal proceedings and the parties involved are deserving of professionalism and integrity by all.”

 So, what is the take-home message in all of this?

Gossiping is inherently negative, yet it is something that is so easy to do and comes very naturally to people. In divorce proceedings, how you act and the evidence put before the Court will influence the outcome. More importantly, how you act will define who you are. While it may be difficult to refrain from saying not-so-nice things about your ex-partner, it is a good idea to consider carefully who you share these thoughts with… and it should definitely not be your children.

If you find that you need someone to talk to about your divorce and its emotional consequences–and most people do–the best person for you to speak with is a professional: a therapist, counsellor, psychologist, or divorce coach. While friends and family may be the less expensive choice for venting, a professional will have the necessary training to help you work through these feelings, develop strategies for future interactions with your ex-partner (if necessary), and to help you become ready to move on to bigger and better things in life.

If Kim and Kris each hire a divorce coach… and stop communicating with each other negatively through the media… their divorce could be amicable after all… though that probably won’t make the front page of many magazines.

Long after the litigation ends, you have to live with yourself. You are an important person, and it is worth investing in your wellbeing. If you have any questions about separation and/or divorce, contact a professional in your area.

Cohabitation Agreements, Common-Law Couples and the new Family Law Act

By Krystle Gill on Posted in Property Division

I recently wrote about Cohabitation Agreements for Common-Law Couples under our present legislation here.

However, on November 24, 2011, the Family Law Act (Bill 16 – 2011) received Royal Assent and is now law in British Columbia, though many of its provisions do not come into force for another 6 to 12 months. This will replace the present legislation, the Family Relations Act, R.S.B.C. 1996, c. 128,

One of the key changes that the Family Law Act will make to the law in British Columbia, is that it will expand the application of the property division provisions to common law spouses–previously, common law spouses that did not have an agreement about property were excluded from the legislation and had to rely on the law of trusts.

With the new law, if one common law spouse does not want the legislation to apply to the relationship, the couple will need to execute a Cohabitation Agreement.

The general principles for property division under the Family Law Act are equal entitlement and responsibility:

  1. spouses are both entitled to family property and responsible for family debt, regardless of their respective use or contribution, and
  2. on separation, each spouse has a right to an undivided half interest in all family property as a tenant in common, and is equally responsible for family debt.

The legislation does provide that the Court may order unequal division of property or family debt, or both, if it would be significantly unfair to equally divide family property or family debt. When making such an order, the Court may consider the following factors:

  • the length of the relationship;
  • the terms of any agreement between the spouses;
  • a spouse’s contribution to the career or career potential of the other spouse;
  • whether family debt was incurred in the normal course of the relationship between the spouses;
  • if the amount of family debt exceeds the value of family property, the ability of each spouse to pay a share of the family debt;
  • whether a spouse, after the date of separation, caused a significant decrease or increase in the value of family property or family debt beyond market trends;
  • the fact that a spouse, other than a spouse acting in good faith, substantially reduced the value of family property, or disposed of, transferred or converted property that is or would have been family property, or exchanged property that is or would have been family property into another form, causing the other spouse’s interest in the property or family property to be defeated or adversely affected;
  • a tax liability that may be incurred by a spouse as a result of a transfer or sale of property or as a result of an order; or
  • any other factor that may lead to significant unfairness.

This is a major change to the law.

There is much debate about these changes to family law in British Columbia, which give much greater rights and responsibilities to common law couples. Some argue that it is unfair to have the property division provisions apply universally, and that you should be able to choose whether you get married, and thus whether the law applies to your relationship.

Others argue that this is a step in the right direction, as fairness is the overarching principle of the new property division scheme, and that many people who are living in common law relationships already think that they have the same rights and responsibilities as married couples–which they presently don’t.

With more couples choosing to marry later on in life, or deciding not to get married at all, the new legislation provides some protection. Society has changed, and so the law must, too.